


One foot out and I know the weight is coming

by jperalta



Series: One foot out and I know the weight is coming [2]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Jake Peralta, Blow Jobs, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 04:28:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23005744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jperalta/pseuds/jperalta
Summary: Jake has, for a while, thought he might be bisexual, but something bad from his past has always prevented him from fully exploring it. He finds himself at a gay bar where someone flirts with him, and he wants to flirt back - to do something - but the past won’t leave him alone.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Original Male Character(s)
Series: One foot out and I know the weight is coming [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820560
Comments: 36
Kudos: 196





	1. Chapter 1

Jake wasn’t sure how he had found himself at this type of bar, but there he was. The gin he had been drinking had started to affect him, in that he felt a bit warm and everything seemed a bit blurry. A little down the bar Jake made eye contact with some tall brown-haired man who wasn’t wearing a shirt - only incredibly short shorts. He had some sort of glitter gel covering his hair and a bit of neon eye makeup on. Jake didn’t notice that he was staring at the man’s chest and thighs until the man smiled at him. Jake felt his heart jump into his throat as he frantically turned his eyes away. But the man had already started walking towards him, and Jake could feel his palms sweating. He regretted the gin he had been drinking - he started to regret every decision he had ever made that brought him to this bar. The man was closer now and leaned his body towards Jake, who pushed himself against the bar. He felt terrified, or at least he thought he was. But maybe it was excitement, or something else, something Jake had never really thought of before.

The man looked down at Jake’s lips and smiled bigger. “Hi,” he said in a deep soft voice. “How are you doing?” He asked before reaching a hand towards Jake’s arm and squeezing his bicep firmly.

Jake couldn’t answer - he was so taken aback by everything. He swallowed and tried to slow his breathing. “Who are you?” Jake asked stupidly.

“Legally, I’m Ethan. But you can call me whatever you want to, honey.”

Jake was frozen, but he didn’t want to move. Ethan’s chest was rising and falling as he breathed, and Jake’s chest was doing the same. He had the feeling of a mouse about to be pounced on. His eyes wandered towards Ethan’s neck, and how soft and tender it looked in the flickering lights. He found his own hands reaching out to Ethan’s chest, and he grazed his fingers over the skin, damp from the night of dancing. Jake’s legs spread apart a bit and Ethan walked closer into him. Jake could see the outline of Ethan’s dick in his shorts, and Jake felt his own twitch in his pants. He rested his hands on Ethan’s sides, and Ethan put his own hands under Jake’s shirt, tracing his stomach lightly, sticking a finger into his waistband then pulling it out. Jake felt chills run through his entire body, and he wished he knew how to sort out the bad anxious feeling from the good excitement feeling, but all he was sure of was that what Ethan was doing felt nice, and he also felt like he might vomit at any second. He wanted Ethan’s hands to go lower, wanted to pull him in even closer, but he also was worried that if this kept going he was going to have some sort of panic attack. What he was feeling was all too similar to the beginning of one - the shaking, heavy breathing, sweaty hands - but he tried to push it away, tried to focus on just being present and not letting his mind wander so much. Ethan clipped his hands together behind Jake’s back and leaned in closer so his breath was on Jake’s neck. Jake held him tighter. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He didn’t know what was going to happen.

All too soon, Ethan pulled back and brought his hands to Jake’s chest again, then looked him in the eyes, his smile gone. “What’s your name?” He asked tenderly.

Jake tried once to speak but couldn’t find his voice, then tried again. “Jake,” he sputtered out.

Ethan rubbed his thumb across Jake’s navel. “Jake,” he repeated back to him. “Jake, do you know that you’re shaking really badly?”

Jake tried to hide the fact that he was also blinking back tears, although he was sure that was clear too. What was he so scared of? Why couldn’t he try this one thing? But it felt like something was blocking his mind from letting him. He had only had one other “experience” with a man, and it hadn’t been the best. It hadn’t been, well, consensual, for that matter. Something in college, many years ago, that happened and had made him scared of situations like this - a situation where a man was leaning in too close, breathing on his neck, looking at him like he wanted something out of him. He could remember it too well for how much he had drank that night. He remembered the hot room with the broken air conditioner, the squeaking mattress, the whimpers and pleas. He remembered scrambling out of the room when it was finally over, panting half-dressed down the hallway, locking himself in his dorm room and crying until his roommate came home, and hardly leaving his bed for days afterwards. All of the memories were rushing around in his mind, swirling about like some poisonous cocktail desperate to make him break. _You’re shaking really badly..._

Suddenly he felt trapped with this man’s arms on either side of him. He squirmed and started to push away. “Please,” he murmured.

Ethan looked confused but dropped his arms. “Are you okay?” He asked, seeming genuine.

And Jake wanted to scream back no, that he wasn’t okay and was worried that he never would be. But he couldn’t say anything. He felt the sweat dripping down from his forehead, dripping down his backside, and felt incredibly embarrassed and desperate to be alone. The lights were blurring more than before and he had a pain in his chest that felt like a knife straight through to his heart. His stomach was turning over and over and he wanted to smack himself for getting himself here in the first place. It was all his fault - everything, every horrible thing that had ever happened to him was all his fault. There was no other way he could think about it. Everything was slipping. The room was spinning, and he felt like he was about to pass out. “"Bathroom," he stammered, then quietly whispered, "fuck." He pushed his way through the crowd and found a one-person stall. After he went inside and locked the door, the silence was comforting for a moment. Then he caught a look at himself in the mirror and saw how pale he was, saw the small and fading red spaces on his arm left from when Ethan had squeezed him. He thought of Ethan’s concerned face looking after him as he had run to the bathroom, and he felt a horrible pang of guilt and sorrow and frustration with himself. His stomach churned again, and he found himself dropping to his knees in front of the toilet and throwing up. It wasn’t even that he had had that much to drink, because he really hadn’t - just two light gin and tonics - but the whole experience had really triggered something. He couldn’t get the sight of that old bed out of his mind, couldn’t get the ringing out of his ears, couldn’t stop hearing a voice begging for him to stay still. Jake hit himself in the side of the head, as if he could get everything out like that, then wrapped his arms around his head. God how he desperately wanted to be home. Then there was a knock on the door that startled him even more. "Just a minute!" Jake cried out, trying to hide the fact that he had been crying.

“It’s Ethan,” said the voice on the other side. “I just was wondering if you’re okay.”

A sharp bit of panic stung its way through Jake’s chest again as he heard the voice, not like Ethan had done anything wrong necessarily. Jake just felt so self-conscious and ridiculous now, and upset with himself for being so close to someone as beautiful as Ethan then needing to leave to go vomit in the bathroom. But it said a lot that Ethan was checking on him. Not a lot of people had done that before - definitely no one back in college. He had spent many nights lying in his bed, trying desperately to exist as little as possible. He pushed himself into a standing position and leaned against the sink, looking at his pink puffy eyes and hating what he saw so much that he had to look away. The door handle fell into his line of vision and he knew that he had to go back out into the world and deal with whatever or whoever was on the other side, even if that someone was like a man out of a dream who wanted to hold Jake close and press his fingers against his back. The thought wasn’t terrible. It was nice, even, but it still scared him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Goodmorning" by Bleachers


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as Jake unlocked the door, an incredibly young-looking boy pushed him aside and headed straight for the toilet. The sound of him retching made Jake feel sick again, and he pulled himself out of the room as quickly as he could, shutting the door behind him. He felt dizzy and had almost forgotten that he was in a bar. He wished for nothing more than to be in his own silent bedroom.

He looked around the bar and saw Ethan sitting at a high-top table, looking at his phone. Jake wondered if he would be able to slip outside without Ethan seeing him, but while he was considering making the move, Ethan looked up to him and immediately put his phone away as he started to walk over. Why was he acting so interested? Jake rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants and prayed he didn’t smell as horrible as he thought he did.

“Are you okay?” was the first thing out of Ethan’s mouth, and he said in a tone that suggested he was actually concerned.

Was he okay? Not really, not right now, but Jake didn’t really want to get into that with this guy he had just met at a bar who was probably just trying to have a good time. “I’m okay,” Jake mumbled, trying not to let Ethan hear the tremble in his voice.

“It’s not every day a guy vomits after kissing me,” Ethan said with a smile. He was trying to cheer him up, and Jake knew that, but instead he just felt horrible all over again. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Jake said in a way that probably sounded a bit too serious. He looked down at his feet.

“Honey, I know that. I’m kidding around.” Ethan went to pat Jake’s arm but when he did Jake flinched away quickly. “Do you want to get out of here?”

All of the sudden Jake felt extremely anxious again, and he wanted to run back into the bathroom to get sick. The world was twisting in his vision.

“Before you pass out, I meant do you want to go to the diner across the street to get something to eat? You look pretty pale.”

Jake looked up from his feet. “Food?” He questioned stupidly as if he were an alien learning English for the first time. 

“I can also let you be, if you want. You just… I don’t know, you don’t seem in the right state of mind and I kind of feel weird about leaving you alone. But it’s totally okay if you want to be.”

Jake almost wanted to cry because in that moment that seemed like the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. When Ethan had said that out loud, Jake realized that he didn’t want to be alone. Not right now. As much as he wanted to be home alone, he wasn’t sure what he’d do, feeling this horrible and lost. And he knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep without having those haunting nightmares.

“Sure, I guess I should eat something,” Jake said while running his hand through his hair. Ethan looked him over as he did and he tried hard to not feel on display.

“And you’re sure you want me to come?”

Jake nodded. He wanted to say please, but didn’t want to seem too desperate. 

“Okay, Jake, let’s get some greasy food.” Ethan grabbed his sweater from a rack nearby and draped over his body. It was so oversized that Jake could hardly see the edges of his shorts underneath, and he tried hard not to stare at Ethan’s thighs, but it was difficult.

As they headed towards the crosswalk, Jake became extremely self-aware of his arms and hands. He tucked his hands into his armpits and tried to tell himself he wasn’t hideous and that he didn’t look like an idiot standing next to this beautiful guy. But he couldn’t get it through his head.

When they sat down in the booth, Jake was unaware of how little he was actually paying attention to his surroundings. He was more caught up in his own head, could swear he heard people whispering to him in his mind, telling him he was an idiot and should just leave now. His eyes wandered around to Ethan’s, who looked like he had just asked a question Jake hadn’t heard and was now waiting for an answer.

Jake snapped back to the present. “What?” 

“I said, dime for your thoughts?”

And Jake couldn’t help but smirk. “I thought it was a penny.”

Ethan smiled back and shrugged. “Adjusted for inflation.”

The smiles faded and Jake looked down at the menu in front of him. Absolutely nothing looked or sounded appetizing, but he knew he should eat, especially since he was in the company of someone who, for some reason, seemed concerned.

When the waitress came back to take their order, the two ordered and Jake went back to staring at the table.

“So about those thoughts…” Ethan pressed.

Jake looked up to him, and he knew that anyone could tell he looked anxious still. “What do you want to know?”

Now it was Ethan’s turn to look uncomfortable. He folded his hands in his lap and looked down. “What happened… I’m really sorry.”

Jake shook his head. “It’s really not your fault.”

“But it’s someone’s, isn’t it?” They looked at each other, Jake feeling so incredibly on display. How did this random guy know that? Was he that obvious about everything? He began digging around inside his pocket as his heart rate started picking up again, his fingers twitching. He felt a small capsule, dug it out of the pocket and popped it into his mouth. 

“Yeah,” he muttered, his breath shaking. “It’s someone’s fault.” 

Ethan started picking at his napkin. “I’m sorry, you obviously don’t want to talk about it, and that’s okay! I should stop talking. I just get so talky when I’m nervous. Or not nervous. I just talk a lot. And I’m nosy.”

Jake smirked again only because this guy was so adorable. “Why in God’s name would _you_ be nervous?”

They locked eyes again. “You’re not the only one with stories.” The words hung heavy in the air. “Besides, I bet you don’t even know how cute you are, do you?”

And then Jake blushed - hard. He could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks and tried to bury his face in his hand, but it was too late. Ethan was smiling at him, and Jake’s heart was sputtering away. “Sorry for, um, popping pills in front of you.”

Ethan scoffed, “I did notice that, but didn’t want to say anything.”

“That was nice of you, really.”

“As long as it’s not, ecstasy or something, because then I’d have to be responsible for you for the rest of the night or something.”

“No, it’s… um… Xanax.” He paused, anticipating some sort of ‘oh that’s so cool’ reaction that he always seemed to get from people - people who just thought of Xanax is some sort of party drug instead of something that people, people like Jake, actually relied on greatly. He waited for the comment, but it didn’t come. He felt his heart rate slowing.

“Are you feeling any better?” Ethan asked.

Jake shrugged. “I will in a bit. But you might be responsible for me because I might fall asleep in this booth.”

Ethan smiled as he shifted in his seat. “I’d love to help you into an Uber, Cinderella.”

And this kindness was really starting to overwhelm Jake again. He hadn’t really left his apartment for weeks, maybe months, other than going to work and to the grocery store. And now, he found himself at this random diner with a person he had met less than an hour ago, and Ethan was being so goddam kind, he just didn’t know what to say.

“Why are you doing this?” Jake asked softly, keeping his eyes on the table as he did. 

But he saw Ethan shrug, as if Jake had asked him if he knew what the weather was going to be next week. “You seemed like you needed it, and that bar was too loud. Plus my tummy was getting cold.” He folded his be-sweatered arms across himself and made a pout. Jake thought of Ethan’s bare chest pressing against his, and he felt the chills flood his body again, and he cursed himself for breaking away as soon as he had. But somehow they were still talking, and even though Jake was almost in shock from that, he couldn’t help but feel hopeful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I just wanted to say I totally did not expect all the comments I received on the first chapter, and they all made me so happy :) So I decided to write another part, and I'm going to try to keep going with it! I hope you're all doing well and being safe and healthy etc<3


	3. Chapter 3

After they finished paying, Jake started to feel extremely tired. The food and the Xanax were making it hard to stay awake. 

“You okay there, pal?” Ethan asked as Jake held his eyelids shut for a bit too long while walking out of the diner.

“What, me? Oh, yeah, it’s just the, um, the--”

“Drugs?”

Jake smirked. “Yeah. Yes. The drugs. The good ole drugs.”

Ethan smiled and gave Jake a light pat on the back, and Jake’s first thought wasn’t to immediately flinch away. Again, the touch sent tingles through his body but before he could lean into the touch, it was over.

“Should I call you an Uber?”

“I actually, um, don’t live that far. I think I’ll just walk.”

“Can I come with you? And I’ll just get a car from your place?” Jake felt the blood rush to his cheeks again. Ethan held his hands up. “I promise I won’t go inside. I won’t even go on the steps.” But when he said that, Jake realized that was the opposite of what he wanted. 

He wanted to reach out to touch Ethan himself but he found that he couldn’t move his body the way he wanted to. “Yeah, I trust you.” It slipped out, but somehow Jake knew that he meant it. Ethan didn’t respond to it, just shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at the ground. 

“I just want to make sure you get home safe,” he mumbled.

“Okay, let’s go then.”

As they were walking, they didn’t talk much. Just little quips here and there, remarks about what other random people were doing out so late at night. Jake hated how self-conscious he felt walking with a guy this late, a guy with glitter in his hair and neon eyeshadow. He had thought many times about how easy it had been to deny this side of himself, to only seek out women in relationships, to only check “man seeking woman” on all those dating apps. It wasn’t just because of that bad experience all those years ago; it was also just easier. It was easier to tell his mom about the girl he was seeing, easier to talk with everyone at work about his “type,” whatever that even meant. But he had gotten so tired of hiding it, tired of pretending he didn’t take offense to certain jokes, tired of getting upset when he saw often the world characterized everyone as either gay or straight, as if bisexuality was some fictitious in-between state that someone had to get through. And he was tired of seeing beautiful guys all over the city, pining after strangers and trying to convince himself that it could never happen even if he was open. He was tired of not letting on to the entire truth, and only letting himself have a piece of his own life. It was exhausting.

Somehow, Jake had managed to lead the two of them back to his building despite feeling like he was about to fall asleep standing up. 

“Guess I’ll order an Uber now,” Ethan said as he pulled his phone out from his pocket. Just as he requested the car, it started to rain. Without thinking, Jake grabbed Ethan and pulled him under the overhang of his building. Ethan was looking at Jake now, and Jake felt his heart start to race again. 

“What?” He asked, becoming breathless.

“Nothing,” Ethan said, shaking the water out of his hair. 

But Jake knew it wasn’t nothing. Ethan was staring towards the bottom of Jake’s face, right at his lips. “Just tell me,” Jake whispered.

“I was just…” Ethan crossed his arms over his chest again and blinked until he was looking back at the ground. “I was just thinking how much I want to kiss you.” He didn’t look up as he said it ever so softly, just kept looking at the stone as if he was paralyzed, as if he was ashamed for voicing his thoughts. 

Jake felt something come over him - maybe it was the drugs, or the rain, or the exhaustion, or maybe it was just him, but a few seconds after Ethan said that Jake pulled himself towards him and pressed their lips together. He felt Ethan’s hand raise itself slowly to the back of Jake’s neck, and Jake held onto Ethan tighter than he had ever held anyone. They broke apart and pressed their foreheads against each other, eyes closed, just holding each other. It all felt so surreal, but it was a form of excitement Jake had been longing for.

“Um,” Ethan began, his lips still centimeters away from Jake’s, “I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”

Jake lifted his own hand into Ethan’s hair and tried to stop himself from tearing up at this boy’s kindness all over again. “I am, really.”

But Ethan still looked ashamed or upset with himself. “I don’t want to be the reason that you…” He rubbed the back of Jake’s neck. “I just don’t want to make anything worse.” Jake moved his hand to Ethan’s shoulder and Ethan raised his eyes to meet Jake’s.

“You have no idea how much you helped me tonight.”

Ethan took in a sharp breath. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Jake said in response after less than a second.

The two stared at each other again, before Ethan’s phone buzzed between them and they both remembered exactly where they were. 

“One minute away,” Ethan read. 

A gust of wind blew right towards them. Jake noticed the way Ethan’s hair whipped about when it did. 

“So Jake,” Ethan said a little louder than before, “if I want to see you again, should I just come here? Or write you a letter? Or is it okay if I ask for your number?”

Jake blushed again as something he could only pinpoint as happiness began to stir within him. “I do enjoy letters. But I guess texting would probably be easier.” Ethan smiled when he said that, and Jake thought that he’d say anything if it meant Ethan would continue to smile. They exchanged numbers, and the Uber pulled up just as they finished.

“That’s me,” Ethan said, and Jake found that he was incapable of speaking. They looked at each other’s faces again, before Ethan quickly leaned in, kissed Jake on the cheek, then ran towards the car. “See ya!” He yelled into the rain. 

And before Jake could respond, he was gone, sucked into the storm. It all would have felt so much like a dream that Jake wouldn’t have believed it had happened if less than a minute later, his phone buzzed: 

**Ethan: :)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the feedback! You make me so happy :) Also I'm definitely not projecting /anything/ what who said that


	4. Chapter 4

They went to a movie a couple of days later and were the only ones in the theatre. Jake didn’t even realize how much he was leaning towards Ethan until he could feel Ethan’s breath on his ear. His palms were sweaty, god, why was he such a nervous wreck all the time? But Ethan was still there, right next to him, not showing any sign of leaving. Ethan would do a thing where he would whisper-speak to himself about the characters in the movie if they were doing something dumb or crazy. Jake wasn’t even paying attention to the movie because he just liked how Ethan’s muffled voice sounded in his ear. He couldn’t even make out what he was saying half the time, but it still sent waves of electricity all through his body, until he was sure there was light spilling out of his toes. Then he heard his name.

“Jake?”

“Huh?” Jake said, turning his head and seeing Ethan’s lips directly in front of his own. His heartbeat was racing. His hands were shaking. 

Ethan moved a hand to the back of Jake’s neck and started brushing his thumb against his skin. “I said you look like you’re in another world.”

And he was, really. Because when Ethan spoke right into his mouth he forgot about everything else. “Oh,” Jake whispered back, not even trying to deny it, because he couldn’t. 

Ethan pulled his head in a bit more until their foreheads were pressed together, lips only centimeters apart now. “Is this okay?” Ethan asked. 

Jake nodded with his head still against Ethan’s. “Yes, thank you.”

“For what?”

“Uh, just, asking.”

“Of course.” 

They stayed like that for a few moments, breathing each other in, rubbing the backs of each other’s necks. Jake wanted to kiss him again but couldn’t find the courage. And he was still trembling. “Ethan,” he whispered.

“Hm?”

Jake swallowed, forced the fear away. “Kiss me.”

And as soon as he said it, the two were pressing their lips against each other’s again, lips splitting apart as their mouths intertwined. Ethan bit down on Jake’s lip and Jake felt a new surge of energy running through his body. He was kissing and being kissed harder than he felt he must ever had been before, and he didn’t feel that scared. He was nervous and his hands were shaking, but Ethan’s were too, and he felt understood. Then he pulled himself away, and he wasn’t entirely sure why, but it was like something in his brain just told him to stop, that he was in danger. So he pulled back. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said, surely ruining everything. “I don’t know… I… fuck,” and his heart kept racing like before but it didn’t feel good anymore. It hurt. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Ethan said, quickly pulling his hands away and giving Jake space. 

“No, it’s not, I’m ruining it,” Jake said, eyes half-closed as he stared at his shaking hands.

“Jake, I promise, you’re not ruining anything. You couldn’t possibly.”

Jake looked up, looked Ethan in the eyes, tried to slow his heartbeat but couldn’t do it as quickly as he wanted.

“Let’s watch this movie - I think a murder is going to happen!” And Ethan looked so calm, so cool, so god damn beautiful slouched back in his seat. So unphased by Jake and his neuroses that Jake felt like an idiot for freaking out in the first place, but he knew he shouldn’t feel like that. And he should know that Ethan didn’t think of him that way either. Still it was hard to get over - to just turn off what had been his instincts for so long. He stopped staring at Ethan’s profile and looked at his arm, resting on the seat. Jake longed so much for comfort so he couldn’t help it when he selfishly reached for Ethan’s hand. It was soft and warm and even a little clammy, like his own. It felt nice to know he wasn’t the only one who was nervous and a little sweaty. Ethan didn’t say anything when Jake took his hand, but Jake did see him smile a bit in the corner of his mouth. Jake slouched down in his seat a bit, then the desire for comfort and human contact grew stronger and he leaned his head on Ethan’s shoulder. Neither of them said anything still but Ethan put his head onto Jake’s, and they squeezed each other’s hands and massaged their thumbs against each other’s palms. Jake inhaled and let out a deep breath, the anxiety he had felt just a few moments ago gone. Ethan kept whisper-speaking to himself about the characters. “Why would she do that, doesn’t he know who that is, does anyone in this movie know how to be quiet?” Jake smiled to himself.

~

Later, when they were both back at their respective apartments, Jake was feeling insecure again and after a few minutes of playing with his phone between his fingers, opened up their conversation.

**Jake:** Sorry for earlier. I guess I just want to go slow.

**Ethan:** You really don’t have to be sorry, I get it! We can go at whatever speed you’re comfortable with.

Then a few minutes later:

**Ethan:** It was nice though, just being there with you.

Jake tried not to squeal to himself too loudly as he held his phone close to his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long for me to update! I was kind of having writer's block for a bit but now I sort of know more so the direction this is headed. Hope you're all doing well. I miss people


	5. Flashback to freshman year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Usually I try to avoid flashbacks, but I still felt this was important to the story and I've had the idea in my head for weeks and just wanted to get it out. I wanted to include it but I published it as a separate story, so please only read if it won't upset you too much. It's not a good time for our boy Jake Peralta. He doesn't know it now, but it's going to get so so much better in time, when he meets Ethan. All the tags for this part will be on the new story, so please be sure to read those as well.

_*****[click here to read the flashback](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25133242) ***** _


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skip between the plus signs if you don’t want to read Jake’s memory/recount of what happened. It's cute then sad then cute again at the end.

Jake was standing outside in the heat, quickly glancing back and forth at the number on his phone and the number on the building. He just had to double (triple, quadruple) check to make sure he had the right address, even though he had taken a cab there to avoid walking when it was so warm out. But maybe he was also just trying to stall. He tapped back to his conversation with Ethan.

 **Jake:** On my way!

 **Ethan:** :) 

They had gone on a few dates since meeting, but this was Jake’s first time going over to his apartment, and he couldn’t get over how scared he felt. Everything had felt so perfect so far and he was so worried that it was going to fall apart - waiting for that _thing_ to happen that would leave Jake spiraling and spiraling down, away from any sort of affection or intimacy.

He kept staring at their conversation, his finger on the buzzer but not pressing it. This was it - he was frozen. He couldn’t move. The Xanax he had taken earlier must have worn off, or not worked at all, or maybe he was immune to it now? His head was spinning, fingers quivering, then the door opened as he flinched, looked up, and saw Ethan smiling at him.

“Did you want to come in or should I continue staring at you through the window wondering if you’re real or just a mirage?”

Jake let out a laugh - a nervous laugh, but still something. “I’m sorry,” he said, shoving his phone into his pocket. “I was… I don’t know, I’m sorry.”

Ethan put a hand on Jake’s shoulder, a warm and soft hand, and guided him into the building. Ethan lived on the first floor which made Jake feel relieved because he was worried he’d start sweating too much after so many stairs. Jake worried about a lot of things but being too sweaty in front of beautiful people was one of the more prominent concerns. Today was the first day of the year that it was over 80 degrees, and Jake hated it. He had debated earlier if he even wanted to leave his air conditioned apartment to chance ending up somewhere too warm, but he had decided Ethan was worth it. 

When they walked into Ethan’s small studio, Jake was hit with a blast of cold air and he let out a sigh.

“Too cold?” Ethan said, reaching to the thermostat.

“No!” Jake said quickly, not even noticing that he reached out to stop Ethan from changing it. Jake blushed a bit then let his arms fall to his side. “Sorry. I just, I like the cold. This is perfect.”

“Perfect,” Ethan repeated, staring at Jake and his pink cheeks until Jake forced himself to look away.

The apartment was small, but it was only Ethan there which was great. Jake couldn’t imagine if he had had to meet and make small-talk with roommates while he was too busy being nervous in his own head. There was a sofa near the door with a small TV in front of it, a queen-sized bed in the corner diagonal from it, and the beautiful massive air conditioner in one of the many windows. Apart from that, there was a small kitchen nook and a bathroom. Small, but extremely comforting and, well, Jake felt safe.

“My humble abode,” Ethan gestured as he half-bowed.

Jake smiled. “It’s nice.”

“Nice is what I aimed for, so that’s lovely,” Ethan responded, while Jake was becoming dangerously enamored. “Sit wherever you want, my dear.”

 _My dear._ Jake smiled at the words and he tried not to swoon.

“Sorry if calling you that is weird. I just - I call everyone stuff like that. Not that you’re just everyone, but you know. I don’t know. I can stop.”

Jake laughed again - twice in a day? Incredible. “You don’t have to stop. I…” He dropped his voice, afraid to say it too loud. “I like it,” he whispered, before closing his eyes, feeling ashamed of himself. Was he trying to flirt? Was he doing it right? “Sorry,” he muttered.

“You know,” Ethan said as he walked into the kitchen nook, “you apologize a lot for someone who has yet to do anything wrong.”

And then Jake was close to tears - why was that exactly? Ethan must have seen the look on his face, because as he held out a glass of water to Jake he said, “It’s okay, though. You can apologize, if it makes you feel better. I just want you to know you haven’t done anything wrong.” 

Jake took the water and chugged half of it before Ethan could get too good a look at his face. Cold water, cold apartment, charming boy. He felt content. Was that the right word? It had been a while since he had used it.

“Well, you’re welcome to stand if you like, but there is also a couch that you can feel free to utilize.”

Jake shifted over to the couch, dropped his phone on the side table, and kept drinking the rest of the water before putting it down too then kicking his shoes off.

“I’m sorry for being an ass,” Ethan said, catching Jake off guard.

Jake looked over at him. “Wh- What are you talking about?”

Ethan sat down on the other end of the couch, resting his head on his knuckles. “When I’m… nervous, or excited, or at any other time, I get super sarcastic. And I feel like a dick. And I don’t know why I’m doing it, especially to you.” 

Jake wanted to reach over and grab him, but something held him back. Instead he rested his hand halfway between them. “Ethan,” Jake said as Ethan looked up and over at him, looking far too upset with himself, “you haven’t done anything wrong, either.” 

Ethan smiled and reached out his hand so it was touching Jake’s in the center of the couch. “Thank you, really.” He was smiling yet somehow looked sad at the same time. Jake’s hand was shaking now and he was starting to get self-conscious, then Ethan squeezed it gently. “It’s okay,” Ethan whispered.

Jake’s heart felt like it was in his brain with how much it was pounding away. Then Jake let himself be selfish again when he slid the few inches on the couch, Ethan’s hand guiding him over. Jake tucked himself into Ethan’s shoulder, and took in a deep breath. Ethan started lightly grazing his fingers on Jake’s bare arms, and the touch was so gentle Jake had to try not to cry again because he felt so happy in that moment.

Jake opened his mouth to speak before pausing and clearing his throat. He buried his nose into Ethan’s arm, and as quietly as he allowed himself he said, “I like you a lot.”

He felt the smile form on Ethan’s jaw. “I like you, too.”

Some stupid tears fell from Jake’s eyes and he frantically wiped them away, feeling like an idiot for crying on Ethan’s shirt. 

“Jake, can I tell you something?”

Jake pressed himself more into Ethan’s body, wanting to have as much of himself against him as possible. “Yes,” he said, “of course.”

“I know that… that something probably happened to you to make you… to make doing things like this difficult.” Ethan began as Jake’s heart dropped back into his stomach. Was it ending now? “Or maybe nothing did, and that’s okay, too. But whatever it was, if it was something, I want you to know that you can tell me - if you want. But you also don’t have to at all. This isn’t coming out right.” Ethan adjusted in his seat and Jake held on tighter. “I just mean - if you want to talk about it, I’m here and I’ll listen. But I also don’t want you to feel like you have to just to ease my curiosity.” 

Jake closed his eyes. It was always so hard to talk about, but maybe this time it wouldn’t be. There was a long time when he didn’t tell anyone at all, until a few years ago when he started getting seemingly random panic attacks and started taking medication and going to therapy, where after a bunch of difficult sessions he was finally able to admit that he had been raped and that he blamed himself for it. And also that after years of dating girls, even though he definitely still liked girls, he felt he liked guys too but was too afraid to pursue it because of what had happened before.

But Jake had been silent for too long. “You don’t have to tell me, really, forget I said anything,” Ethan said as he shifted around.

“No, wait, no,” Jake grabbed his arm, wanting to prevent him from standing up. “I want to. There’s just - not much to tell.” The images formed in his mind of that dirty room on that hot and sticky night. “Freshman year, there was a guy. Connor,” his voice hitching on the name. He felt Ethan’s hold on him tighten and he was thankful for it. “He was in my class and invited me to what I thought was going to be a party, and I went, like an idiot and-”

“You’re not an idiot for trusting someone.”

+++

Jake swallowed, shaking still but determined to continue. “Right, thank you.” Ethan’s thumb grazed over his arm again. He focused on the peaceful feeling. “Well, it wasn’t a party, it was just him, and I was nervous so I drank a lot.” He remembered the feeling - anxious, hot, sick to his stomach - and kept reminding himself he wasn’t there, he was here. He’d never be there again. “And, well, he was so much stronger than me. He basically laughed because of how skinny I was, how easy it would be to…” Jake could swear he smelt the beer again, could feel the sweat hanging in the air, hanging on his skin, the feeling of a hand pressing down on his neck. He shivered. “He just wouldn’t stop kissing me and touching me, no matter what I said, or what I did. It was like we were playing some game and I was losing because I didn’t know what I was doing or what was going on.” Jake didn’t realize it but he had twitched away from Ethan and moved back to the other side of the couch, eyes closed, legs drawn up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them and his head on his knees. He couldn’t see the concerned look on Ethan’s face - only the lopsided smile on Connor’s. “Then I was face down in his bed with my... my p-pants down, and he… h-he…” Jake couldn’t finish that part - but he could see it all happening again. “Then he finished and pushed me out of the room and I never saw him again.”

+++

“Jake, please open your eyes,” Ethan said softly. 

And Jake did - he opened his eyes to see Ethan looking back at him, soft kindness in his face, concern in his eyes, an empty dent in the couch next to him where Jake had been before. He felt confused.

“You’re not there. You’re here, okay?” He said. Jake nodded, the tears falling more freely from his eyes now. “I know we’ve only known each other a bit, but I know that you’re sweet, you’re kind, you didn’t deserve that, and you did absolutely nothing wrong.” Ethan had his arm stretched out but the thought of fingers on his skin right now made Jake shiver again as he curled up further into himself. “You’re so brave for telling me that - I know it was hard.” He looked Jake over again. “Do you want to just… watch something silly and hang out?” Jake thought for a minute then nodded. So Ethan got up, turned the thermostat down even more, then grabbed a couple of blankets before tossing one at Jake. “I’m on the other side of the couch - if you want, no pressure at all.” 

Jake wished he could stop crying but for a while he couldn’t. So they put on some old episodes of _Family Ties_ and watched Michael J. Fox get up to some shenanigans. After a few episodes, Ethan had fallen asleep against the giant pillows, and Jake found himself looking at him, afraid again of how much he liked him. And while Ethan was asleep, Jake pushed himself over to him again and leaned back onto his shoulder. Ethan stirred and looked down at Jake’s fluffy hair then brought his arm around his torso. Jake felt Ethan’s grip tighten and he welcomed it - happy to go back to feeling safe. They both smiled to themselves before drifting off to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

A week later, the two were in Ethan’s apartment again, some random show on the television. It was another hot day with the air conditioner cranked, and Jake and Ethan were tucked into each other underneath a blanket, Jake leaning on Ethan’s shoulder with an arm around his torso. Jake’s had his fingers on the hem of Ethan’s shirt, and he found himself moving slightly so that his fingers were now on Ethan’s skin. Ethan said nothing, but started rubbing his thumb on Jake’s shoulder. Two characters in the show started kissing each other, then fell onto the bed.

Jake subtly lifted Ethan’s shirt a bit, exposing his navel. He let a finger travel over it for a few seconds before putting his lips in the same space, and then he could sense a tingling sensation travel through Ethan’s body. Jake looked up and saw Ethan looking back at him, a half-smile forming on his cheeks. “Hi,” Ethan said softly, sweetly, his fingers gently grazing across Jake’s skin causing him to shudder.

Jake responded by pressing their lips together and wrapping his hands in Ethan’s hair, and Ethan responded in the same manner. After too short a period of time, Jake pulled away, Ethan’s lips chasing after his as he did. “I’m sorry,” Jake said as he briefly closed his eyes. “Should I have asked? I don’t know…”

Ethan grabbed Jake’s head in his hands, their lips only a few centimeters apart. “Jake…” he let a finger brush across Jake’s mouth and Jake could feel himself getting hard already. “I trust you. I know if I asked you to stop, you would.”

“Okay,” Jake nodded. “The… the same goes for you.”

“Really?”

Jake nodded again and opened his eyes. “Whatever you want to do,” his hands traveled under Ethan’s shirt again. “If you want to kiss me, kiss me.”

After those words, they started kissing again, hands traveling all over each other’s bodies. Jake reached for Ethan’s shirt and started to tug at the bottom before Ethan raised his arms so Jake could take it off. He stared at Ethan’s chest as Ethan took off Jake’s shirt too. Jake tried hard not to show how self-conscious he was about his skinny body, but it was practically a preset in his mind to cover himself with his arms. 

Ethan reached out, his thumbs tracing circles on Jake’s chest and said quietly, “you’re so beautiful.” And although Jake knew it was probably silly, he almost started to cry right there. His arms floated away and Ethan leaned in and kissed each spot his thumbs had been on. “Beautiful,” he repeated, and Jake got harder. It was probably obvious now, even through his shorts. Ethan tucked his thumbs into Jake’s pants, and gave Jake a look to ask if it was all still okay. Jake responded by taking his own pants off before helping Ethan with his. Now Jake was in his boxers, Ethan in his briefs, and the sight of the outline of Ethan’s dick made Jake’s own twitch more.

They kissed more, Ethan’s lips working their way into the crook of Jake’s neck, and Jake tried and failed to stifle a moan. Ethan reached down to Jake’s boxers, his hand brushing against his dick ever so slightly but just enough to send another jolt of whatever this was through Jake’s body. Ethan then reached his hand down the back of Jake’s boxers, starting to lightly squeeze his ass before bringing his hands back around to Jake’s front. Jake thought he was going to explode into a thousand pieces right there. His heart was beating way faster than normal but he hardly seemed to care about it at all. 

Ethan looked into Jake’s eyes again before looking back to his hands in Jake’s underwear. “May I?” He said with a smile.

Jake chuckled nervously. “Please,” he responded, before adding, “I mean - you don’t have to. Only if you… if you would uh if you want--”

Ethan cut off Jake’s nervous rambling with another kiss to his lips. “Believe me, I want. I’ve wanted to since I met you.” His words made Jake swallow hard as he thought back to that night they’d met at the bar, and he couldn’t believe he was now in that man’s apartment, both of them in their underwear - hardly even that. Ethan’s lips traveled over to Jake’s ear and he bit it gently. “Jake,” he whispered as he took Jake’s boxers all the way off. Then between soft kisses he said, “you’re safe, you’re beautiful, you make me so happy.” Jake was having a harder time controlling his tears, but it was crying in the best way possible. “I would never hurt you,” Ethan said, a hand gently stroking Jake’s dick now.

 _“Fuck,”_ was all Jake could get out. “Please,” he uttered, perhaps a bit too needily, because he heard a low chuckle come from Ethan’s mouth as it traveled down his body to meet his hand stroking Jake.

“And you’re sure?” Ethan said, surely meant to tease him.

“Ethan, yes, god,” Jake said through moans.

Ethan chuckled again. “Your wish is my command.” Then within seconds he took Jake into his mouth, and Jake had to grip the side of the couch. He moved a hand into Ethan’s hair, looking absolutely glorious between his thighs, and ran his fingers through it, to which he heard a moan from Ethan’s mouth. He knew it was strange yet he felt guilty to be on the receiving end of something that felt so fucking good. But he didn’t have time to feel that way for long, because the pleasure radiating through his body was unlike anything he’d ever experienced before. His breath hitched and he came within minutes, and Ethan hardly had time to swallow and wipe his face before Jake’s was crashing their lips together again. It was warm and salty and the best a kiss had ever been.

Now it was Jake’s turned as he tried to retrace Ethan’s steps on his own body. “I haven’t, uh,” he started rubbing his hand against Ethan’s dick. “I haven’t been on, um, this side of it before. Just so you know.”

“You, ah, you don’t have to.”

Jake smiled. “I know, just a warning.”

Then Ethan giggled and shrugged. “If it’s coming from you I don’t really care about anything else.” So then Jake took Ethan into his own mouth, and Ethan’s grunts and moans were almost enough to get Jake fully hard again. Ethan lasted a bit longer than Jake had - no surprise there - and after finishing in Jake’s mouth, pulled Jake up by under his arms to kiss him again for a few moments before Jake practically collapsed on top of him. 

The two continued to lie fully nude on the couch, arms wrapped around each other, Jake’s cheek on Ethan’s heart. Jake hadn’t felt this happy in a really long time - this happy or this safe. Ethan’s fingers ran through his hair. “Ethan…”

“Hm?” Ethan muttered contentedly.

Jake took in a deep and shaky breath and lowered his voice, then pressed his mouth almost entirely against Ethan’s chest. “Would it be crazy if I told you I loved you? I know we’ve only known each other a few weeks, and I know what just happened probably influenced this, but shit,” he turned to look at Ethan, “with you everything feels so different.”

Ethan was shaking, but then again they both were. “I don’t think it’s crazy, since I love you too.” His arms wrapped tighter around Jake, who was trying not to cry again, not like it mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly this chapter is sort of new writing territory for me since I usually just write sad angst, so please tell me what you think! Hope you're all having good days and wish you all the best


	8. Chapter 8

Jake and Ethan decided to brave the heat for just a bit to walk to the restaurant under Jake’s apartment and pick up some takeout for the two of them to share. They held hands almost the whole way there, and Jake was beaming the entire time. Ethan walked up to the counter and said their name as Jake leaned against the wall, looking at Ethan’s backside and smiling to himself. 

Then the bell rang to signify someone else had come in, and Jake instinctively looked at the person. The man hadn’t made eye contact with Jake or said hello in any way, but just a glimpse at him sent a sharp jolt of fear through his body. The man was tall, blond, tan, and wearing a pair of basketball shorts and a tank top. Jake could still only see his backside as he stood at the counter, but that’s all it took for him to realize the guy looked just like Connor - the boy from college who’d assaulted him freshman year. 

His limbs started to shake. His entire  _ body _ started to shake and sweat was dripping down the back of his neck. He hadn’t seen Connor since that night except for in his damn nightmares. He’d heard he’d supposedly transferred to a college on the opposite side of the country, and was very eager to anticipate that that meant he’d never have to see him again. Yet there he was - six feet away, looking exactly the fucking same. And suddenly Jake felt eighteen, scared out of his mind that someone would look at him again like he was prey. He started feeling sick to his stomach. He didn’t notice Ethan turn back around and walk back over to him with their bag of food and a worried expression on his face.

“Jake, what the fuck is going on?” Ethan asked, confused and frustrated that anything, anyone, could make Jake look like this. Jake’s eyes were wide, as wide as Ethan had ever seen anyone’s. They were glossy, filling with tears as the two of them stood there. Jake’s lips were trembling, face white as snow. Ethan followed Jake’s gaze and saw who he was staring at and immediately Ethan felt a darkness in his stomach. “Is that…” he started, but didn’t finish. 

The man at the counter finished paying, and as he turned back around, Ethan stood in front of Jake with his arms spread out, as if he was ready and willing to protect him from anything in the world. He could feel Jake’s body vibrating behind him as Jake clutched at Ethan’s shirt with his sweaty hands.

But when the man turned around, the man looked entirely different. He had a different nose, different colored eyes, and freckles that Connor hadn’t had. Jake felt disoriented and lost. A few seconds ago he could have  _ sworn _ that it was him, but now he felt ridiculous. He let go of Ethan’s shirt and looked at the ground, hardly able to look at any part of himself without wanting to scream.

Jake was still only half-thinking when Ethan began tugging on his elbow. “Honey, let’s go upstairs. Jake, come on.” And Jake blindly followed, steered by Ethan holding on his wrist as they went back up to Jake’s apartment. Ethan had to take the keys out of Jake’s pocket because Jake didn’t hear him ask for them, and Ethan had to unlock the door because there’s no way Jake was going to be able to hold or maneuver anything with how badly his hands were still shaking. Jake didn’t want to be touched, he knew that much, but he knew he also badly wanted to be home and that he couldn’t get there without help. 

But when the two of them finally pushed into the apartment, the cold blast of the air conditioning slapping them in the face, Jake tugged his hand away. He still felt only semi-conscious, but knew he must have been being an asshole, or at least a major annoyance. He felt another hand on his shoulder and shrugged away from it, too. “Please stop,” he said. And he could see that damn disgusting room again, clouding his vision as if he was there. A stupid demonic smirk looking down on him, hands on every part of his skin. Jake started to lose complete control of his breathing, taking in fast and shallow breaths as he clutched his chest. “Fuck, fuck,” he muttered. More hands on his body - was it even real? - and he was wincing and twitching until he backed himself into a corner. The feeling of the wall against him made him jump too, and he felt so hopelessly stuck. He sank to the ground, still struggling greatly to breathe. He could sense someone standing in front of him and closed his eyes, put his hands over his ears and yelled, “get the fuck away from me!” 

In his mind he was talking to Connor; in his mind he was reliving the whole thing again and again. But in real life Ethan had jumped and backed away, crying himself, then sat down with a pillow crushed in his arms as he looked on, with absolutely no idea what to do and feeling like he was in the same room as someone he suddenly didn’t know at all, who didn’t know him.

Jake flung himself into the bathroom and hardly reached the toilet before he was getting sick. He kept hitting his face, wanting to get the images out of his head but he couldn’t. They were stuck there. He was stuck there.

Suddenly he heard something make a noise beside him, and when he looked he saw his bottle of Xanax.  _ Take as needed for anxiety _ . That’s right - he had this. In the moment he had completely forgotten. So he unscrewed the cap and took out one, then another just to make sure, and swallowed them down dry. The pills left a bitter feeling on his throat but he hardly noticed.

Ethan had found the bottle sitting on the kitchen counter and, afraid to make anything worse, had tossed the bottle into the bathroom then sat cross-legged in the door frame, still clutching a pillow, practically biting it as a way to ease his own tension.

Jake collapsed back onto the floor, sweat still covering his body in a thin layer, as he waited for what seemed like forever for the double dose of Xanax to take effect. Several minutes later, that old room was finally fading away. Connor’s face was dissolving from his mind, and Jake was starting to recognize where he was again. He grabbed a facecloth nearby, briefly turned on the water in the tub and wiped his face, then let out a huge sigh.

Then he felt a sharp pang of guilt -  _ Ethan _ . Jake turned slowly towards the door frame and saw Ethan sitting there with his face buried in a pillow. And he hated himself as he realized that Ethan had been the hands on his body, the person standing over him, the one he had yelled at. Jake wanted to start crying all over again. 

“Ethan,” Jake said quietly, and Ethan picked his head up then wiped off his face.

“Jake?” Ethan asked, almost unsure.

“I’m so fucking sorry.”

Ethan said nothing, just held the pillow tighter.

Jake held the bottle of Xanax in his hand. “Did you toss these to me?”

Ethan loosened his grip on the pillow and sniffled. “Yeah,” his voice was scratchy. “I…” his voice got lower. “I didn’t know what to do.”

“No, it was good. It was what I needed. Thank you.”

There was an odd and brutal silence between them.

“That guy,” Ethan began, “at the restaurant. Was that…?”

Jake almost wanted to laugh. “I thought it was,” he said, picking at the grout. “But it wasn’t. After all that - it wasn’t even him.”

Ethan was still crying and Jake wished he’d stop, because he felt so horrible and so responsible and like the biggest burden in the world. “I’m so sorry,” Ethan said through staggered breathing. “I’m sorry I touched you, and got close. I should have just backed away. I should have known it would have made things worse.”

Jake shook his head. “Don’t blame yourself. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, as if anything has ever been your fault.”

“Oh God, well it’s definitely not your fault either,” Ethan said. “You were… it was like you were hardly conscious.” 

Jake said nothing in response to that, just hung his head. It hurt him to think about it, but he made himself say, “if you don’t want to see me anymore…” He wiped off his face with his sleeve. “...I get it. It’s a lot. It--”

“Jake, it’ll take a lot more to get rid of me.”

Jake looked up and gave a small smile, before reaching out a hand. And just like that Ethan scurried into his arms. The two held each other tightly, breathed each other in, their bodies intertwining as Ethan practically sat in Jake’s lap, a hand in Jake’s hair. 

“You just scared me,” Ethan whispered. “It hurt to see you like that. I care about you. I just, I fucking love you, okay?” Ethan held Jake’s cheeks in his hands before placing small and soft kisses all over his face.

Jake smiled more, scrunched up his nose. “I know. I love you too.” They held each other tighter and tighter until they were both sure they’d burst.


End file.
